How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
How do you role-play love with a sexual partner whom you don’t actually love and who doesn’t actually love you? I’m a gay guy (32M) in a sexually but not romantically open relationship: my boyfriend (33M) and I have sex with other people, but love is generally off the table with other partners. I value emotional depth and intimacy in all my connections with people, but I’m also pretty reserved, so I’m not the kind of guy who regularly tells his friends or relatives, “I love you.”
Meanwhile, I’ve been exploring family play with my other sexual partners (dad/son, uncle/nephew, older/younger brother, etc.). Occasionally, one of these partners might say something like, “Dad loves you, son,” which is incredibly hot to me, but I still get self-conscious when I try to reply, “I love you too, Dad.” I want to keep bringing that level of emotional intensity into a role-play scene, but I don’t know how to do that without misrepresenting how I really feel about someone or sounding insensitive, even if we’re just pretending to share a familial bond that’s obviously fictional. So how do you navigate make-believe love with a sexual partner?
—Kinky in Love
Dear Kinky in Love,
Love is a pretty powerful emotion, and one that you’ve committed to sharing only with your boyfriend in a romantic sense. It’s no wonder that you’re stuck on this—telling a sexual partner that you love them, even in the context of a family role play, is pretty close to the edge of breaking one of your commitments. Have you spoken with your boyfriend about this? If your relationship is anything other than a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell setup, I suggest you do that first.
Once you’re clear on what is and is not too close to the boundaries of your main relationship, you might feel a bit more relaxed. You can also speak with your other sexual partners about your reticence to say the words “I love you.” If you let them know upfront that it’s a you thing, they’ll know the background when you reply with something like, “Aww, shucks, Dad. You know how I am about verbalizing affection.”
Remember that we all have a right to our boundaries. There’s nothing wrong with taking pretend love off the table in a pre-scene negotiation.
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Dear How to Do It,
My (43M) wife (40F) and I both came from a Christian background that emphasized purity, although she was much more conservative. She grew up shunning sex to the point of not even really masturbating. We were virgins when we were married and have done a lot of work to embrace sex-positive intimacy and build a sex life together. I think we are both happy with where we are at. That said, she isn’t sure if she orgasms at all. And I want to support her and a healthy exploration, but I don’t want to be a dolt about it, especially not trying to project what I’ve seen in porn (my only other exposure to a female orgasm) and be that kind of dude.
When she is stimulated, she seems to get to a point where the tension builds until she can’t take it anymore. There doesn’t seem to be a release, which I assumed would come. In the minutes after this point is achieved, she doesn’t want any stimulation or touch at all, and can’t get back there afterward. She is pretty sensitive to sensory stimuli already (noisy environments, strong smells, tastes) so I can’t help but wonder if she is unconsciously afraid of the feeling. She also seems to have a low libido (mine isn’t super high so we’re matched). One time, when I was fingering her, she had a body jump experience and we—by her admission—have not ever been able to recreate that. On another night, when she was fairly drunk, it seemed like she could keep going and going with clitoral stimulation—again, a one-off.
Maybe this is just the way she’s wired, but she doesn’t have enough experience or knowledge of her body to confidently say she is experiencing orgasm. Part of me wants to try and convince her to try pushing through that point of shutdown and see what happens but that seems wildly arrogant of me. How can I best encourage her to investigate this and support her? I don’t want her to feel like I think something is wrong with her, but her sexual excitement drive is pretty low and this might unlock something for her if she is holding back and not realizing it.
—(Too) Eager to Please Her
Dear (Too) Eager to Please Her,
It’s great that you want to increase your wife’s enjoyment of sex. But we often get hung up on orgasm as the best part of sex, or the goal. And we sometimes see a background of purity rhetoric as something that needs to be healed. All of this needs to happen at her pace, though. Pushing isn’t likely to help, and might harm her.
I don’t see anything in your letter about your wife wanting to push through her feelings of overwhelm, or of being particularly interested in having an orgasm. Because of this, I think the best way to support your wife is to give her the kinds of pleasure she enjoys, in the amounts she finds tolerable, and let the idea of her orgasm go until she expresses interest in exploring it.
Dear How to Do It,
I have a friend who is several years (OK, 25) years younger than me. I’m in my 60s, she’s in her early 40s. I know we could never be truly in a relationship, but I get strong “friend with benefits” potential vibes from her. She wants to hug me whenever we meet, seeks me out at group events, and always brightens her smile when we catch eyes across a room. I’m several years divorced, she’s never married—I know we’re never going to be serious. (Far too many differences in little ideas about life. But we’re great friends.) So, my question is: How can I broach the idea of being FWB without ruining our current relationship?
—Cautiously Interested
Dear Cautiously Interested,
You can’t guarantee you won’t ruin your current relationship by suggesting adding sex. You can, however, set yourself up for success. Be clear in what you’re asking. This might mean writing out what you’re going to say or rehearsing with a friend or in the mirror. You might ask whether she’s ever thought about getting physical together, or tell her that you find her attractive. You also might preface this with your worry that you’ll damage what you do have together.
Be ready to hear “no,” and to accept that answer. Anything other than a yes—such as a maybe, or a “let me think about it”—is a no, at least for now. Once you’ve shared your attraction, leave it up to her to let you know if she’s come to a decision.
Do consider, though, that she may be open to the idea of being friends with benefits, the two of you may have some great sex, and the relationship might change in a way that you consider ruined anyway. So if you can’t imagine life without this friendship in it, maybe don’t take that risk. Good luck.
—Stoya
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