I’m married. How do I ask single friends about their love lives? - The Boston Globe

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I don’t want to force comparisons or make anyone uncomfortable

Love Letters

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Q. My love life is great (married, two kids, house, etc.), but all of the other female friends and family in my life are single and in their 30s. I assume their biological clocks are ticking, and I know that dating in this day and age is tough. So here’s the question: Is there a polite way to ask, “What’s going on in your love life?”

I’m genuinely curious: I want to hear about what they’re going through and be a sounding board, but I don’t want to come off as pushy or nosy. Most importantly, I don’t want to make any of these ladies feel uncomfortable, I don’t want to force comparisons, and I don’t want to insert myself into someone else’s relationship. Thoughts?

NOSY NELLY

A. Do not assume anyone’s clock is ticking. That’s a great place to start. Please know that many of these women might be happy about their relationship status.

I’m projecting here, but when I was in my 30s, it was always frustrating when married people looked at me like I was some kind of wounded animal. For the record, I was worried about them, back then — because marriage and kids looked like a lot of work.

This all changed as I got older. Some of my married friends seemed envious that I could be so focused on myself, and I developed a better understanding of the joy they had in their lives. Also, I went from assuming I was the strong one for doing so many things alone, to thinking these coupled people had twice the courage — because they let people in. Now I know we’re all pretty brave. It’s not a contest.

You can ask these friends what’s going on in their lives, in general, and see how they respond. If they don’t mention dating, they don’t want to — and that’s OK. Also, if you’re the kind of person who would do a setup, ask them if they’d ever be open to that. You can say you don’t want to meddle, but that you want to be on the lookout if they’re interested.

Keep your tone light. Really listen when someone gives you an answer. Your job isn’t to fix, only to be present.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Not everyone wants to be married. You CAN be single and feel great and accomplished. And not everyone wants kids. You come off a little patronizing, so please don’t inquire about their love lives. They may be sharing their personal journeys with other single friends or close family members.

BKLYNMOM

As someone who has been largely single in my 20s and 30s, I have often felt scared to bring up my dating life to friends — especially those in long-term relationships. I have been trying now to make a conscious effort to bring it up when it organically seems right, and it has sort of been a relief to finally feel comfortable sharing that side of my life and I think my friends (who have probably wondered but never asked!) have appreciated it too. I recently had a peer ask, “What does your dating life look like?,” which I felt was a respectful way to ask without making any assumptions about me or my life!

AFFLECKSCIGARETTE

When my female friends and I get together, we freely update each other as to what is happening in our lives. We talk about jobs, marriage for those who are married, dating for those who are not married, kids, etc. One of our single friends hadn’t talked much about dating and we didn’t press for years because she seemed focused on other areas of her life, but one day she decided she wanted us to help her create an online dating profile. We readily helped her select pictures and had fun with it. SHE brought it up when SHE was ready. Prior to that we either didn’t ask about her dating, or just asked, “Are you interested in dating anyone?” and if she gave a “not yet” kind of answer, we moved on to other topics. This felt easy and natural because we are truly supportive of whatever she wants going on in her life.

KWINTERS1

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.

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I’m married. How do I ask single friends about their love lives? - The Boston Globe
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