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White Girls Explain Why They Love Stanley Cups - The Onion

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With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.

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“I don’t know, but ever since I caught Dad wrestling with Mom’s sister, he won’t stop buying me them.”

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“Plain and simple, it’s a status symbol, much like the Webstaurant Store stainless steel mixing bowl, or the Solo heavyweight plastic spoon.”

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“Without a cup, water goes everywhere.”

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“My prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed, so I am a slave to whatever consumerist fantasy is projected into my eyeballs.”

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“I told my bitch mom that she could either get me this or lip fillers for my birthday.”

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“You didn’t hear this from me, but the next big thing is going to be a St. Mary’s class of ’98 coffee mug with half the graphics rubbed off.”

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“Every time I reach for one of the 35 Stanleys in my collection, I know I’m doing my part to save the environment.”

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“It helps me meet my consumerism goals.”

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“We sell them to scrappers and send the money overseas to ISIS.”

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“I love the variety of fun colors they come in, each of which represents a clandestine sex act.”

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“The bottom part fits in my motorized Barbie jeep’s cup holders.”

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“I’ve purchased 37 shares in Stanley parent company HAVI and am generating organic enthusiasm to juice future returns.”

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“My hormones may ruin my skin, hair, and body, but they cannot touch the sacred cup.”

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“Undiagnosed autism.”

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“I’m not actually a fan. I just put my big hand inside of one, and it got stuck. Then, I put my other big hand in another, because I thought that would help. But it just got stuck, too.”

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“It’s a great place to carry around a mouse!”

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“It’s durable enough to act as a weapon in case I’m assaulted.”

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“Let us have our Stanley cups or we’ll join Moms of Liberty.”

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“I’m trying to pass as a 7-year-old to get into museums for free.”

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“Its impenetrable metal exterior is probably the best protection I have against a school shooter.”

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“No one would ever suspect I’m drinking 40 ounces of straight vodka from a tumbler.”

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[whispering] “Wait that’s not a Stanley. She’s got some Walmart ripoff. Oh my gosh, ew. Why doesn’t she just go back to the trailer park already?”

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“My boyfriend actually says it’s super cool. And he’s 30.”

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“My birthmark is shaped exactly like a Stanley cup, and my former bullies now ritualistically worship at my feet.”

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White Girls Explain Why They Love Stanley Cups - The Onion
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