With fans waiting in lines for hours to buy the insulated steel tumblers, The Onion asked white girls why they love Stanley drinking cups, and this is what they said.
“I don’t know, but ever since I caught Dad wrestling with Mom’s sister, he won’t stop buying me them.”
“Plain and simple, it’s a status symbol, much like the Webstaurant Store stainless steel mixing bowl, or the Solo heavyweight plastic spoon.”
“Without a cup, water goes everywhere.”
“My prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed, so I am a slave to whatever consumerist fantasy is projected into my eyeballs.”
“I told my bitch mom that she could either get me this or lip fillers for my birthday.”
“You didn’t hear this from me, but the next big thing is going to be a St. Mary’s class of ’98 coffee mug with half the graphics rubbed off.”
“Every time I reach for one of the 35 Stanleys in my collection, I know I’m doing my part to save the environment.”
“It helps me meet my consumerism goals.”
“We sell them to scrappers and send the money overseas to ISIS.”
“I love the variety of fun colors they come in, each of which represents a clandestine sex act.”
“The bottom part fits in my motorized Barbie jeep’s cup holders.”
“I’ve purchased 37 shares in Stanley parent company HAVI and am generating organic enthusiasm to juice future returns.”
“My hormones may ruin my skin, hair, and body, but they cannot touch the sacred cup.”
“Undiagnosed autism.”
“I’m not actually a fan. I just put my big hand inside of one, and it got stuck. Then, I put my other big hand in another, because I thought that would help. But it just got stuck, too.”
“It’s a great place to carry around a mouse!”
“It’s durable enough to act as a weapon in case I’m assaulted.”
“Let us have our Stanley cups or we’ll join Moms of Liberty.”
“I’m trying to pass as a 7-year-old to get into museums for free.”
“Its impenetrable metal exterior is probably the best protection I have against a school shooter.”
“No one would ever suspect I’m drinking 40 ounces of straight vodka from a tumbler.”
[whispering] “Wait that’s not a Stanley. She’s got some Walmart ripoff. Oh my gosh, ew. Why doesn’t she just go back to the trailer park already?”
“My boyfriend actually says it’s super cool. And he’s 30.”
“My birthmark is shaped exactly like a Stanley cup, and my former bullies now ritualistically worship at my feet.”
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White Girls Explain Why They Love Stanley Cups - The Onion
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