There’s a story of a little boy who fell out of bed. When questioned by his mother on how this happened he replied “I guess I wasn’t in far enough.”
Just like people who are fully in bed don’t fall out, people fully into their marriage don’t fall out either. And it’s the same for falling in love in the first place: it doesn't just happen on its own, people put themselves there.
Nonetheless, we seem to have a common belief that people “fall in love” and “fall out of love” with no effort on their part; it is just a mysterious event that happens to us, on its own, and of its own accord. We are simply destined to the consequences of whatever fate may bring.
Thankfully, this belief is dead wrong. We can control what we choose to do and therefore, to a large extent, control the destiny of our relationship. As the infamous words of William Ernest Henly say: “I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.”
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Accordingly, should we be interested in keepin’ love alive for a lifetime, one would be wise to be in it all the way. To be intentional about planning and assessing and executing things that help us stay in 100%.
As a recent client said to me, and I added to my wall of client quotes, “Do what you did in the beginning and there won't be an end."
Most individuals were very attentive and intentional in the beginning of the relationship. They were all in. In fact, they thought and planned and executed such an amazing “sales pitch” that the other one couldn’t help but fall in love and commit to marriage.
But many shortly thereafter, and many more further down the line, stopped doing the things that worked in the first place. They stopped thinking and planning and executing activities and small gestures that helped keep love alive.
Distracted by other areas of life, they slowly kept scooting further and further away from each other until the dreadful day they “fell out of love." For most this was a slow and gradual process of growing apart and loss of closeness over time. So slow, many didn't see it coming at all.
Until suddenly, they were no longer in love.
I’ve been impressed lately by how many of my clients who are making significant progress speak of being intentional in their efforts. They realize they can no longer leave the future of their happiness and success to fate. They must become the master and captain of that journey.
A recent young couple that came to session had gotten a babysitter for their time with me. In fact, they had gotten a babysitter for some time after me, too, so they could go on a long-overdue and dreadfully needed date. Their success was intentional.
I watched a husband this week, who had a long history of anger issues, very intentionally choose his words as he spoke to his wife. He wanted to be extra sure he didn’t say anything that would be offensive. It paid off and the session went well.
Your efforts to read this article today were intentional. The fact that you've read this far already was intentional. Clearly. you are making a conscious, intentional effort to learn how to keep love alive.
But it need not stop here. Be intentional today in your interactions with your spouse. Pay attention, listen, interact as you did before with full interest and investment. Back when you were in 100%.
And if you want to go for the extra credit, just to assure you are in 100%, go plan a date. It need not be fancy, it need not be big. It just needs to be intentional.
Keepin’ love alive. Enjoy your intentional journey.
Remember, couple relationships are easier than you think, but harder than you act.
For more tips on keeping your love alive, visit www.panhandlecouples.com.
Mark Anderson is a mental health therapist specializing in couples therapy. He is in private practice at Oregon Trail Mental Health in Scottsbluff and can be contacted at 635-2800 or online at www.panhandlecouples.com.
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