Who or what is actually “lost” when we lose someone significant in our lives? In one sense, we may become lost if the love we once held becomes a distant memory. The awareness that someone is missing outside of our being is difficult to reconcile with their presence within us, especially if their presence and the specialness of a relationship with them contributed to our identity. When we are lost in response to a loss, we may not know which way to go, where to turn, or what to do. We may feel vulnerable, exposed, or alone. We may yearn for the times when our path seemed more defined.
Close friendships, marriages, partnerships, and various romantic entanglements involve strong bonds of attachment, yet the bonds we once experienced with someone can create a ghost that haunts us with that person’s departure. Shakespeare’s 30th Sonnet, written more than 400 years ago, reveals his sadness about the death of a dear friend, a sadness that always returned as he remembered the past (Shakespeare, 1609/2008). He noted that his sorrow had dulled over the years and expressed regret about wasting precious time replaying old woes in his mind instead of indulging in positive thoughts. Yet, he concluded that sweet recollections of his dear friend always compensated for the pain of his sorrow.
Centuries after Shakespeare illustrated how a close bond creates both lingering grief and a reminder of the power of love, our efforts to understand how people become attached to others and later respond to loss led to the erroneous notion that we simply work through grief and get over it. This notion is confusing and lacks Shakespeare’s nuance and ambiguity, which come closer to human experience. We grieve because we remember when things were different.
Creating a Continuing Bond
One way to resolve the dissonance between memories of someone who was once present with the reality of their absence is to create a continuing bond by reinterpreting new experiences so that they fit with preexisting information. In this regard, we may use fantasy or imagery to maintain the presence of someone lost since memories help us maintain an internal relationship with a lost loved one.
Unfortunately, a continuing bond can trap some people in past experiences with former romantic interests or with loved ones who have died. There are those, for example, who miss an absent loved one so much that they fall asleep, hoping to have a dream about them that will continue the relationship. Yet those who depart from our lives are a static image represented in memory, not necessarily as who they are or were, but are represented as we perceived them. Any continued relationship involves retrieving memories to represent them in our thoughts or even in our dreams. Beyond this, they no longer grow with us.
Relationships that end are painful, but our memories do not let us forget those who impacted our lives. When actual death ends the boundary of someone's life, it does not end a relationship (Hall, 2014). There is a healthy aspect to maintaining a bond with the deceased, and the severing of bonds may not be necessary (Klass et al., 1996). Continued bonds can offer comfort, safety, and support, both during the time of transition and afterward. If we can use our memories to restore a lost connection, then imagining the person is still here with us in some way can be a pillar of support and a source of comfort.
John Bowlby and his colleague Colin Murray Parkes (1970) studied bereavement in adults from the perspective of attachment. Their viewpoint recognized continued bonds as serving essential functions: An ongoing internal relationship to the image of the deceased is an important aspect of mourning and a normal part of healthy adaptation.
If we consider that we learned something from the relationship when the person was with us, we can continue learning through our memories of them as well as through any inferences we make about how they would respond. Calling up memories of someone as a source of hope or protection can create a sense of stability, a feeling that they are still here with us. Nevertheless, we also know quite painfully that the one we loved is non-existent.
Researchers have examined whether continuing a bond with the departed is adaptive or obstructive. Who benefits from maintaining ties or relinquishing them continues to be an area of study (Stroebe and Schut, 2005). For example, researchers have found more significant separation distress in survivors who have strong continuing bonds but cannot make personal, practical, existential, or spiritual sense of their losses (Neimeyer et al., 2006). Thought helps us find ways to continue our bonds with those we have lost through signs, signals, horoscopes, fantasies, prayers, rituals, or holy objects. Indeed, we can imagine our way into an ongoing relationship with someone who is gone.
The Emotion of Shame in Grief
Although it is logical to assume that the emotional response to relational disconnection is distress, affect theorists have proposed that shame signals a relationship rupture. The emotion of shame and how it operates in grief has a lot to do with why we are motivated to continue our bonds with lost loved ones. Although the shame of disconnection motivates us to hide or save face, it is a partial interruption since shame also compels us to seek reunification, to repair a rupture, or to restore a broken bond. Unfortunately, reestablishing the good feelings that disappeared may be impossible when a relationship ends or if a loved one dies, even though we may be compelled to try. An ongoing inner relationship with a lost loved one may represent our best efforts. Thus, through our memories, we tend to hang on when love is lost.
(This post is excerpted in part from my book, Grief Isn't Something to Get Over: Finding a Home for Memories and Emotions After Losing a Loved One.)
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Remembering Lost Love - Psychology Today
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