The word “entitlement” simply means having a right to something. Rights are a social construct based on law and accepted norms of morality. Rights are always limited by the responsibility to respect the rights of others.
We have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so long as we don’t violate the rights of other people. We have a right to keep the money we earn and a responsibility to pay taxes.
Common displays of entitlement come closer to the psychological definition, which is the belief that one is deserving of privilege or special consideration, with little or no sense of responsibility.
“My right to have something is superior to your right not to give it to me.”
When perceived entitlements are violated or denied, the entitled feel victimized and justified in retaliation.
Ever-Expanding Entitlement
Virtually all my clients these days feel entitled to happiness—not merely the pursuit of it—and are apt to blame their partners, parents, bosses, or the government for their unhappiness. They cite abundant “evidence” from self-help blogs and articles to support their blame. (Victim identity is a profitable arm of the self-help industry.) They feel entitled to control what other people think and say and take offense when others deviate from their expectations.
Competing Entitlements
Displays of entitlement tend to create impotent standoffs:
I’m offended by what you think, feel, say, and do.
I’m offended that you’re offended.
The title of a best seller inadvertently encapsulates the growing competition of entitlements: Looking Out for Number One. This was Robert Ringer’s follow-up to another of his best sellers, Winning through Intimidation: How to be the Victor Instead of the Victim in All Areas of Life. Well, if everybody else is looking out for number one and trying to be the victor, you’re likely to feel a need to do the same. Entitlement is like nuclear weapons, when one country gets them, all the others need them.
Partners in love relationships typically start out trying to meet each other’s desires, but they tend to devolve into competing entitlements. The subtext of most arguments in troubled relationships is:
You have to be more like me, think like me, feel like me, and see the world the way I do.
Ironically, they probably wouldn't have been attracted to prospective partners who were more like them. We fall in love with people who bring out the best in us, not mirror reflections of ourselves. There's no me-harmony.
The Disastrous Conflation of Desires, Needs, and Rights
The steady expansion of entitlement and narcissism since the late 1970s is due in no small part to the popular conflation of desires, emotional needs, and rights.
If I want it, I need it. If I need it, I have a right to have it.
One of the most harmful concepts of pop psychology is approaching love in terms of getting your needs met.
A perceived emotional need is a preference or desire that you've decided must be gratified to maintain equilibrium, that is, you can’t be well or feel whole without it.
The perception of need begins with a rise in emotional intensity—you feel more strongly about being with someone or having that person behave the way you want them to behave. As the intensity increases, it can feel like you “need” it, for one compelling reason: It’s the same emotional process as biological need.
You can observe the process by planting your face in a pillow; emotional intensity rises just before you struggle to breathe. When emotion suddenly rises, your brain confuses preferences with biological needs. In other words, the perception of need becomes self-reinforcing:
I feel it, therefore, I need it.
How Entitlement Damages Relationships
Entitlement strips relationships of one of their most sublime emotional experiences, appreciation. We appreciate getting what we desire, not what we need. (We only appreciate breathing for a short time after suffocation.) I expect you to meet my needs and resent you when you don’t. I appreciate you for meeting my desires but still value you when you don’t.
In love relationships, appreciation reduces resentment, while failure to appreciate increases it. Desire is attractive, entitlement is not.
Entitlement and Hypocrisy
Entitlement is one of those characteristics easy to see in others but nearly impossible to perceive in ourselves. We detest a sense of entitlement in other people and feel entitled to devalue if not punish them. When we characterize someone as entitled we imply that they've disregarded our entitlements. A reliable sign of inadvertent hypocrisy is uttering the cliché, “You’re entitled to your opinion,” in a disparaging, devaluing, or dismissive way, as opposed to simply disagreeing.
A more subtle sign is enacting behavior we accuse someone else of committing:
You just can't see (validate my assertion) that your need for validation is a symptom of insecurity.
Hypocrisy inevitably emerges from what psychologists call the actor-observer bias, in which we use different criteria for evaluating the self and others.
I have a right to yell at my kids when they deserve it, despite what social services says. But my husband yells at the kids because he’s selfish, impatient, narcissistic, and has an anger problem.
I tell it like it is, you have no right to be critical.
I blame her for blaming me.
I hate people who hate.
Entitlement Reciprocity
Though sometimes frustrating, the pursuit of happiness is empowering, in that we’re doing something to make our lives better. Blaming unhappiness on someone makes us feel powerless and causes more unhappiness.
Instead of blaming, answer the question:
What do I do that keeps me from being happy?
The answer will lead you to try something different to promote your happiness, for example, develop more compassion, kindness, meaning, and purpose. You'll escape the self-defeating trap of thinking that if the world were different or other people did something different, you would be happy.
Rights are limited by responsibility, but the sense of entitlement in relationships must also be tempered by the principle of emotional reciprocity, that is, we’re likely to get back what we put out. Partners must give what they feel entitled to receive.
You’re entitled to respect when respectful, compassion when compassionate, help when helpful, and appreciation when appreciative.
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August 23, 2023 at 04:02AM
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Love in the Age of Entitlement - Psychology Today
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