Competence is a judgment about one's ability to perform important tasks. Like all judgments, it’s embedded with bias, so much so that psychologists use a special term to describe it: the illusion of competence. This makes us think we know something we don’t know or can do something we can’t do.
We all have an illusion of competence to some extent, or else we’d be tormented with self-doubt. Provided we do the most important tasks at work or around the house competently, a little illusion of competence isn’t a bad thing. Although we tend to overestimate our IQ and the fairness and morality of our behavior, most of us can plow a deep, if narrow furrow of competence.
Then there’s the Dunning-Kruger effect, whereby we tend to greatly overestimate our knowledge and abilities because we lack the acumen to recognize the limitations of our knowledge and abilities. This leads to inflated ego, with its distorted judgments and skewed perceptions of reality.
Charles Darwin said, “Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.”
Competence in one area of performance distorts our judgments about competence in general, which can lead to inadequacy in love. Folks seem intuitively aware of this connection regarding other people; research by Cuddy, Fiske and others suggests that we tend to judge others as either warm or competent. Those perceived as competent are judged to be less warm, and those perceived as warm are judged to be less competent.
Competence at work boosts the ego, while adequacy in love reinforces values, a distinction easily blurred in routine living. If you feel competent at work, you may be viewing romantic relationships in terms of performance, particularly ego-boosting task-accomplishments. This makes acceptance and affection dependent on performance.
“I can’t love you unless you perform the way I want.”
Inadequacy
Inadequacy is a more global judgment about the self, likely to evoke painful shame if brought to consciousness. In my clinical experience, the root of inadequacy in love is a perceived inability to sustain compassion, kindness, appreciation, and emotional support. Most people can provide these in emergencies, but many doubt their ability to sustain them on a routine basis.
Because the shame of inadequacy is so painful if brought to consciousness, we’ve developed elaborate defenses to keep it suppressed. The most common is resentment. We resent bosses who make us feel inadequate, especially if we once trusted or believed them. To avoid the sense of inadequacy that goes with being unemployed or underemployed, we resent politicians for the state of the economy. To ward off the more daunting sense of inadequacy in love, we resent our spouses for everything. Of course, resentment distorts judgment and becomes a major restraint on success in work and relationships.
Drives and Restraints
Recall psychologist Kurt Lewin’s insight that behavior emerges from the tension between drives to do something and restraints to doing it. Sometimes, intensifying the drive increases the restraints. (Raising the intensity of the competence drive—that is, putting greater emphasis on performance—can increase inadequacy in love.) It’s often more productive to reduce the restraints.
It may seem ironic, but inadequacy is only a restraint when blamed (on someone, something, or yourself), or when it’s denied or avoided. Unblamed and accepted, the sense of inadequacy becomes a drive for success in work and love. Accepting that, in our hearts, we all feel inadequate in modern romantic relationships is the first step to improving them.
A sense of inadequacy in love is a restraint when we confuse experience with promise. In the formation of emotional bonds, we make a tacit promise to show interest, love, compassion, kindness, and appreciation whenever desired. We can’t experience them all the time because they consume a lot of mental energy, and life has numerous other challenges we need to meet.
The paradox about attachment emotions is this: If available whenever needed, they’re needed less frequently. It’s only when they're unavailable when needed that partners and children perceive the relationship as insecure and appear either needy or aloof.
Build Stamina
We overcome self-judgments of incompetence through concentration, learning, skill-building, and hard work, all of which build emotional stamina. It’s not so straightforward in love. Those who have attempted to mitigate inadequacy through blame, denial, and avoidance need to build stamina in maintaining the attachment emotions. It’s like learning to run a marathon. No one who has avoided running will be able to run 26 miles the first day they try. They start with a quarter mile today, then a half mile, a full mile, two, three, and so on. It’s the same with maintaining interest, love, compassion, appreciation, and kindness.
Imagine—fantasize—every day about being a little more compassionate, kind, appreciative, supportive. Within a couple of weeks, you’ll be ready to behave in ways that demonstrate the attachment emotions a little. Then a little more. A little compassion, kindness, appreciation, and support every day creates more enjoyment and meaning in relationships and turns problem-solving into cooperative teamwork.
"Love" - Google News
August 19, 2023 at 02:16AM
https://ift.tt/GSyf6Eq
How to Feel Competent in Work and Adequate in Love - Psychology Today
"Love" - Google News
https://ift.tt/ZAegfFD
https://ift.tt/m4tZ7ic
Bagikan Berita Ini
0 Response to "How to Feel Competent in Work and Adequate in Love - Psychology Today"
Post a Comment