When David* logged onto my Zoom class in the spring 2021 semester of my senior year of college, I was elated. We’d “met” virtually in another class the previous semester, but lost touch during winter break. I was enamored with him, and when I saw his video square pop up on my Zoom screen, all of those feelings of infatuation started to reappear. He messaged me first: “Hi, Naydeline!”
After what turned out to be a one-sided attraction ended tumultuously, I was obviously heartbroken, but also confused. Throughout the entire relationship—if you could even call it that—I felt like I was in a trance. The spell broke when we parted ways, but I still wondered: How could I let myself fall for someone I knew so little about? At the time, I didn’t know there was a word to describe what I was feeling, but now I realize I may have been experiencing limerence.
Commonly defined as a deep infatuation, limerence tends to take the form of intense feelings of romantic attraction, says anthropologist and love researcher Helen Fisher, PhD. “Limerence is a love variant,” adds Albert Wakin, MS, a psychology professor at Sacred Heart University and limerence researcher. “It’s not love.”
The term “limerence” was first coined in 1979 by the late American psychologist Dorothy Tennov who wrote about the psychological experience in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Both Fisher and Wakin had working relationships with Tennov, and have since expanded on her research.
Meet the Experts:
Helen Fisher, PhD, is a biological anthropologist, senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, and best-selling author of six books on human sexuality, romantic love, and attachment, including Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray.
Albert Wakin, MS, is a psychology professor at Sacred Heart University and leading expert on limerence.
If you, like me, have ever had a crush so intense it felt like this person could do no wrong to make you stop loving them, keep reading. Ahead, experts on love and attachment explain how to tell the difference between limerence versus love, share some signs you might be in a limerent relationship, and offer guidance on how to manage those limerent feelings and take back control of your love life.
What is limerence?
Limerence is a variant of romantic love, often marked by intrusive and obsessive thoughts about the object of your affection, a craving for an emotional union, and a high motivation to win this person over, explains Fisher. The limerent person may view their romantic interest as “special,” and when it feels like that special person is pulling away, the limerent person may experience symptoms of separation anxiety, she adds.
Some researchers, like Wakin, view serious cases of limerence to be a mental health disorder. “Limerence is a combination of OCD and addiction,” he says. “It’s often disguised as a ‘super love.’” When you’re in a limerent relationship, you’re constantly thinking about the other person—they’re on your mind 90 percent of the time, Wakin adds. That may sound aww-worthy, but it’s actually unhealthy.
That’s important to note because “limerence can occur in people that have a history of unhealthy relationships, but it can also occur in people who have no relationship history or who have had healthy relationships in the past, and all of a sudden find themselves in a deeply limerent relationship,” explains Wakin. According to the experts, more research is needed to determine if a root cause of limerence exists and if some folks are more biologically prone to these feelings than others.
Ultimately, just about anyone can experience limerence. In fact, the feelings may not be totally in your control—the other person can trigger feelings of limerence in you, Wakin says. These limerent feelings may be triggered instantly or after a few dates, adds Fisher.
It even makes biological sense that limerence is a universal experience. “It has an evolutionary purpose,” which is mating and reproduction, says Fisher. “Romantic love and limerence [simply] enables you to focus your mating energy on one person at a time.”
What's the difference between limerence vs. love?
You might as well be asking what’s the difference between Mars and Venus because the two experiences are worlds apart after the initial infatuation stage, per Wakin. (FYI: Infatuation is an intense, yet short-lived romantic attraction to another person.)
Because limerence is a love variant, it’s “very different from a healthy love,” Wakin says. In the early romantic stages, however, it’s impossible to tell whether the bond will develop into a healthy love relationship or a limerent one, he notes.
One key determinant of a healthy love relationship versus a limerent one is whether those initial intense feelings of infatuation settle over some time or stay the same—perhaps even intensifying, Wakin says. As a healthy love relationship progresses over several months, “those rollercoaster feelings that you have at the beginning subside, and what takes over is a deeper love,” explains Wakin. In this type of partnership, each partner also feels safe to go off and do their own thing because they’ve established a secure attachment—there’s a level of shared trust.
Watch this to learn more about how to maintain a healthy partnership:
In a limerent relationship, however, the limerent person may feel a greater need for reassurance from the other person, says Wakin. They may “get into panic mode if they don’t know where the other person is or are trying to get in touch with them and they’re unavailable,” he adds. It’s like no matter how much you inform the limerent person of your loyalty and care for them, it’s never enough.
What are the stages of limerence?
Ever since Dorothy Tennov first introduced the term “limerence” in the late ’70s, psychologists and love researchers have been able to break down the limerent experience into three stages. Ahead, Fisher outlines these stages and describes what characteristics mark each one.
Infatuation
In this stage, the other person may be all you can think about—day and night. Similar to the intrusive thoughts and behaviors that mark an intense crush, you may find yourself waiting by the phone for their text or call, says Fisher. You may even experience insomnia or have trouble eating because this person is taking up so much space in your mind that it’s hard to focus on other activities.
For some people, this stage may last for months before progressing into the next one…
Crystallization
“The academic term [for this stage] is ‘positive illusions,’” says Fisher. It’s the process of creating your concept of who this person is, even if they don’t live up to that, she adds.
The crystallization stage is something that’s common even in healthy romantic love—it’s what allows people to see past their partner’s flaws and love unconditionally. Plus, it’s scientifically proven to allow a relationship to last. In Fisher’s research, for example, couples who had been married for an average of 21 years and held onto their positive illusions were placed under a brain scanner, and the brain region linked with negativity bias reduced activity when thinking about their partner.
In a healthy love relationship, you hold onto your crystallization, however, according to Fisher, in a limerent one, you’ll often move onto a stage of…
Deterioration
In a limerent relationship, “the whole crystallization breaks down and you not only see somebody for who they are, but you see them for somebody you don’t like,” says Fisher. This is called the deterioration stage.
Unlike in a healthy love relationship, where “usually between six months and a year,” per Wakin, the relationship becomes steadier and more predictable, a limerent connection starts to fall apart after some time. You may begin to lose interest in the person after you realize your illusion of them is just that—an illusion—and you’re unable to see past their less desirable qualities (or, uh, red flags).
FYI: You may or may not go through these stages in this exact order. Stages are helpful because they allow people to see where they are or help others understand their experiences, but they don’t always happen in that order, says Wakin. “There are stages in the development of alcoholism [another addiction], for example, but a person who develops it doesn’t have to go through the stages,” he adds.
So whether you go straight from the infatuation stage to deterioration or spend a longer than usual time in the crystallization stage, your experience is valid.
How do I know if I have limerence?
If you’re unsure whether you’re falling in love or just falling into the trap of limerence, here are some common signs, per the experts.
1. You consider this person to be very “special.”
“One of the first things that happens when you’re madly in love or limerent is the person becomes very special,” says Fisher, noting that this is a sign Dorothy Tennov pointed out herself.
In other words, this person may seem unlike anyone you’ve ever met or been in a relationship with before. In your mind, they’re someone incredibly intelligent, talented, and to be protected as well as cherished. They’re just so unique and can do no wrong in your eyes.
2. Your mood greatly depends on whether or not they’re available to you.
Someone who’s limerent may “have mood swings that go from high to low depending on whether they call or text or don’t call or text,” says Fisher. When things are going well, you feel euphoric; but when they’re not, you feel a deep despair, Fisher adds.
You don’t like to be apart from this person, so when they’re unavailable and don’t text you for a few hours, you may even start to experience separation anxiety, she adds.
3. When they pull away, you try even harder to gain their affection.
Limerence is an addiction, explains Fisher. And like other addictions, when you don’t have access to the thing you’re addicted to, you crave it even more. With a limerent person, this may manifest in what Fisher calls “frustration attraction.” Essentially, this means that when you’re rejected in romantic love, you want it even more and work even harder to get it.
4. You crave an emotional union.
Sure, you may fantasize about having sex with this person or even enjoy having sex with them if your ‘ship is at that level, but what you really want is the emotional intimacy of a committed partnership. You want them to call, ask you out on dates, and express their love for you, says Fisher.
Ultimately, you want them to fall so deeply in love with you and tell you that you are their everything—even if they (realistically) don’t feel the same way.
5. They’re always on your mind.
And not in a “Ugh, they’re so cute!” type of way, but in a “Wow, I can’t stop thinking about this person and don’t know how to stop” kind of way. As mentioned, a key sign of limerence is having intrusive and involuntary obsessive thoughts. “‘Intrusive thinking’ is an academic term that essentially means this person’s camping out in your head,” says Fisher. You could be grocery shopping and thinking, “What would X buy?” Or, maybe you’re reading a book when suddenly, you wonder if X would like it—and now, you’re having trouble focusing on the words on the page.
6. You’re highly motivated to win them over.
“The high motivation to win them is a central trait of limerence,” says Fisher. You can’t imagine your life without this person, so you try your hardest to secure that connection even if the other person is displaying signs that they’re not interested.
Even when the person I was in limerence with clearly stated he didn’t share my feelings, I messaged him with reasons why I “loved” him and pointed out instances where I felt led on, even when I had merely imagined our connection being more intimate than it was. These were all attempts to secure a relationship that was coming to its end.
7. You need constant reassurance from the other person.
Someone who is limerent, “really can’t get enough reassurance from the other person,” says Wakin. You may have had a wonderful day together and your date could’ve gone fantastically, but soon afterwards, you start wondering and worrying if the other person actually likes you or if the date was as great as it felt, Wakin adds.
Can limerence ever turn into love?
Since limerence is essentially a form of intense infatuation, and infatuation is one of the early stages of love, can limerence ever become love?
“Probably not,” says Wakin. “There are a number of reasons why. First of all, there was never a healthy form of love in development.” Secondly, the addictive aspect of a limerent relationship is something incredibly difficult to overcome and “something we don’t have a cure for,” Wakin adds. “I don’t think it is possible for a limerent relationship to develop into a healthy love relationship.”
If you want to get out of a limerent relationship, the only real solution is to end the relationship and cut off all contact—essentially, go cold turkey, says Wakin.
“You have to treat it as an addiction,” adds Fisher. The basic brain regions associated with addiction—the nucleus accumbens (which is associated with the brain’s rewards system and the self-administration of drugs) being the main one—become active when you’re madly infatuated with somebody, she explains. And the only way to end an addiction is to stop taking the drug—period.
Like many matters of the heart, completely cutting off contact with someone you were once madly infatuated with is easier said than done. Yet, if you are exiting a limerent relationship, there are ways to heal and manage those lingering feelings.
How do I manage these limerent feelings?
1. Avoid looking at their social media.
That means not checking to see what the other person is doing and whether they may be moving on, says Wakin. And for a lot of people, “that’s a very hard thing to do,” he says.
To rid yourself of the daily temptation of their Instagram Stories, mute their profile so their posts don’t pop up on your feed, restrict their profile so you don’t see their posts and their DMs are sent to your message requests, and if worst comes to worst, unfollow or fully block them.
2. Don’t try to stay friends.
It may also be tempting to maintain a friendship with the person you were in a limerent relationship with, but that can cause you more harm than good, says Fisher. “The bottom line is: If you’re intensely, romantically in love with somebody, it’s almost impossible to see them without beginning to hope again and try to win them back,” she adds.
By trying to stay friends with your limerent partner, you’re just wasting time. You’re both more likely to heal and move on if you simply don’t have any sort of relationship.
3. Dispose of any relationship memorabilia.
“Get rid of the cards and letters,” says Fisher. If they’ve given you gifts such as jewelry or clothing, put it in a box and hide it somewhere or give it to a friend, she adds. Why? “When you give up alcohol, you don’t keep a bottle of vodka on your desk and look at it every day,” Fisher says. To move on, you don’t want anything in your line of sight to remind you of this person and possibly push you to reach out.
4. Invest in yourself and your friends.
When getting over a relationship, “I really believe in distractions,” says Fisher. So, “go out with friends, get hugs from people—that drives up oxytocin [the love hormone]––get massages, and get some workouts in,” she says.
Also, try new things. Been wanting to take up boxing? Book a class. Always wanted to try woodworking? Sign up for a beginner’s session. “When you’re doing new things, you’re driving up the dopamine system in the brain and that can give you more energy, focus, motivation, and optimism,” says Fisher.
5. Consider talk therapy.
“One of the things I’ve heard from some people is that cognitive behavioral therapy has been helpful,” says Wakin. So if you’re really struggling with the split, Wakin suggests finding a cognitive behavioral therapist in your area to help you process, especially with navigating the obsessive and addictive aspects of limerence.
6. Be patient.
It’s been scientifically proven that time heals, according to the experts. In her research, Fisher once put people who have been rejected under a brain scanner and found that those who were farther along from the moment of rejection showed less activity in the brain regions linked with attachment. As for Wakin, “I’ve read profiles, case histories, and have received hundreds of emails over the years from [limerent] people, and many said that after two or three years, those feelings begin to fade.” All of this to say, “time heals, but you’ve got to give yourself a chance to heal,” Fisher says.
So if you’re currently going through a tough breakup, just know that it might take some time, but there’s hope on the other side.
*Name changed
Assistant Editor
Naydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
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