Dear Annie: I am a highly successful professional single mother in my mid-40s. My ex-husband and I divorced 10 years ago, and we have two wonderful children. I am happily dating a colleague, and all of my friends and some of my family are happy for me and like my boyfriend. The problem is my parents, who live about half an hour away from me and come by my home to see my children two-three times each week.
They have made it clear that they hate him, despite having only been around him twice for very brief periods of time. They refuse to accept anyone and have even made comments to my teenage children about what a mistake they think I am making. For the record, my children have told me repeatedly that they are happy with the situation and wish my parents would leave them alone. Their primary objections are that he is also divorced and that we work together.
I think my father likes to believe that he is the man in charge and is not willing to accept another man in my life. My children just shrug their shoulders and say nothing when my parents say things to them because it makes them feel awkward and like they are being placed in the middle. My parents take my children’s responses (or lack thereof) as meaning that my children are against the situation. In reality, my kids just want my parents to quit placing them in the middle of their beef with me.
I don’t wish to cut my parents out of my life or the lives of my children, but I am at my wits’ end with them. I have tried to politely explain to my parents that we are just going to have to agree to disagree, but they won’t stop the daily barrage of criticism. Short of cutting off contact, what do I do? -- Exasperated in Alabama
Dear Exasperated in Alabama: You have every right to be at your wits’ end. Criticizing your choice of partner is not helpful to you, your children, your boyfriend or your parents. Sit your parents down again privately and ask them to stop their criticism. Tell them how it makes you feel when they put down your choice.
Assuming your boyfriend makes you and your children happy, and it sounds as if he does, then your parents must accept him. As far as your father wanting to be the only man in charge of your life, remind him that you are the only person in charge of your life now. Your father looked after you and protected you for many years. In the future, you’re looking forward to caring for him in his advanced years. The only way that will happen is if there is mutual respect now.
Dear Annie: Your request to hear from readers on how we will “distance celebrate” the upcoming holidays caught my attention. We have been a military family for the past 25 years, so live family gatherings have been rare and intensely cherished.
I’ve been a prolific letter writer, including notes and cards, all my life. There is truly something to be said about a thoughtful, handwritten letter. I plan on doing that very thing during the pandemic, and I’ll be sending notes to my sons, their families and grandkids.
In addition to heartfelt words, spend a little time sorting through your photos. Print some out, and slip a few hard copy photos into the envelope. These tangible reminders of fun days from the past will bring instant joy and laughter, fond memories and lifted spirits. It works every time.
May you have a blessed and safe holiday season. -- Still Love a Handwritten Note
Dear Handwritten Note: Love your positive approach to life and to challenging situations. And you are right about the power of a handwritten note. Thank you!
View prior ‘Dear Annie’ columns
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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