Hurtful interactions in love relationships are easier to prevent than de-escalate. Prevention should be the primary goal, and de-escalation, secondary.
There are five stages of hurtful exchanges in love. Adrenaline and cortisol rise in each, impeding both prevention and de-escalation. The first two stages are automatic conditioned responses. The remaining are conscious and intentional.
1. Implicit Judgments
In milliseconds, the human brain makes implicit judgments that automatically explain and predict our own experiences and the behavior of loved ones. The automatic process manages anxiety; unexplained negative experience and unpredictable behavior raise anxiety.
Implicit judgments run on autopilot, bypassing consciousness and confounding insight. They act as filters through which information is processed, creating a tripod effect. A tripod that holds the camera is not in the picture but determines what is. Sustained by confirmation bias, implicit judgments undermine all attempts to repair or improve relationships. When negative, they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How to Soften Implicit Judgments:
First, you must discover them. Give a thorough, unedited answer to "My partner is…." Consider what irritates you, what you resent, and what makes you impatient with your partner.
Evaluate your judgments in terms of benefits and usefulness, not whether they're justified. (Any justification will be embedded in bias.) Most negative judgments of loved ones are reactions to their attempts to avoid or numb sadness, guilt, shame, or anxiety with resentment, anger, chilliness, and presumed superiority. The behaviors are the flames. Hurt and vulnerability are the fuel. Implicit judgments focus on the flames, not the fuel. Acted out, they intensify reactivity and escalation.
To soften implicit judgments, focus on the fuel. Sympathy for vulnerability makes room for connection and behavior negotiation.
In my clinical experience, almost all negative implicit judgments result from dysfunctional dynamics between partners. They're laden with projections and defensive deflections rather than objective characterizations. A cardinal rule for softening is eye contact. This helps disarm projections and thereby humanize partners.
The following are examples of implicit judgments from a client. Note that some are contradictory, which is the rule rather than the exception. Softened versions are below the judgments.
My partner is...
Overly emotional
I'm under-emotional (withholding positive regard). If I'm more emotionally generous, my partner won't be overly emotional.
Too reserved
That means she's underconfident. I won't erode her confidence with criticism and presumed superiority.
Calculated
She tries to compensate for being emotional and reserved. (Calculation is a function of power imbalance in a relationship—one person has the ultimate say. When power is shared, such calculation is unnecessary.)
She feels she doesn't matter to me, so she has to look out for her own interests. I can modify this with compassion.
Low in self-confidence
She's too often unheard and put down.
Opinionated
She takes a more extreme position when she's invalidated and contradicted, as do I. I can modify this with compassion and attempts to reconcile our perspectives rather than have mine dominate.
THE BASICS
Hypersensitive
She reacts to my insensitivity.
A poor communicator
She's used to being unheard and overruled, which makes her require adrenaline to be heard.
Close-minded
She feels our "discussions" are manipulative—trying to get her to do something. I can modify this by being more curious about her opinions and asking for more information about them.
Overly defensive
She feels attacked when we talk due to the history of our interactions. I won't accuse, interrogate, or act superior.
Mean-spirited
When she's hurt, she lashes out. I'll sympathize with her hurt.
Negative
She's mildly depressed. I can help by having more positive regard for her and focusing on improvement rather than blame and criticism.
Relationships Essential Reads
Tense
She's anxious. I can try to lower the anxiety in the house by increasing compassion and appreciation.
Illogical
Emotions have their own logic to protect and defend well-being. Emotional and intellectual logic reconcile when partners support each other's well-being.
Self-righteous
She can't see my perspective when I don't see hers.
Misinterprets communication as a personal attack
She's been personally attacked too much in our conversations. (Communication is an exchange of information. In contrast, attacks are explicit or implied expressions of superiority, devaluation, and disrespect.) I can modify this by respectfully seeking her opinions, listening to them, and asking for or providing more information.
To improve relationships, implicit judgments about your partner's character must be humane—compassionate, kind, affectionate, or generous.
2. Coping Habits
Coping habits are what the brain does automatically and unconsciously when distressed, hurt, or uncomfortable. In love relationships, the coping habit that causes hurtful exchanges is blaming. Not overt blame, an unconscious conditioned response to discomfort, hurt, or distress.
Automatic blame makes us powerless to improve our experience. Powerlessness is usually expressed as irritability, frustration, resentment, or anger.
Practice associating discomfort with improvement. Six times per day, recall or imagine an instance of hurt or discomfort and ask: "How can I make this a little better?"
Mantra: Try to make things a little better.
3. Overt Blame
Failure to change automatic blame with a focus on improving can lead to overt blame.
“You make me feel…”
Sometimes blame is unstated but manifests in a tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions.
Stated or not, blame is devaluing and almost always worsens interactions.
Don't confuse blame with accountability. The latter is taking responsibility for one's actions. Blame is a transference of guilt and shame, which impedes accountability. When we blame, we're trying to make someone feel guilty or ashamed. Instead, we make them angry.
Recognize that whenever you blame your partner, you feel powerless to improve.
Instead of blaming, try to make things a little better. Examples:
Instead of: You’ve ruined the evening!
Try: What can we do to make things better?
Instead of: You wrecked our credit!
Try: What can we do to get out of debt?
Instead of: You hurt my feelings!
Try: I know in your heart you don’t mean to hurt me. Let’s try to be compassionate and respectful to each other.
4. Retaliation
Failure to soften implicit judgments or form new coping habits or replace overt blame with attempts to improve may lead to hurtful behavior, which we perceive to be mere retaliation.
At first, it takes the form of accusations or expressions of contempt. These must be owned and stopped with an apology as quickly as possible. They must never cross the line of safety into abuse—deliberately hurting, shaming, or frightening.
Pay attention to your body, which often responds before conscious awareness of emotional arousal—muscles tense, jaw tightens, heart rate increases. Practice accessing your core value in aroused states. Be mindful that you're speaking to someone you love. Try to say something like: "I'm disappointed, but I'm OK," or "I disagree, and I love you."
5. Reactive Escalation
Without accomplishing autopilot reconditioning (stages 1-2), and if you don't replace blaming with attempts to improve (stage 3) or don't regulate early (stage 4), you'll get to a point where you're bringing out the worst in each other. Both perspectives will be lost in the fog of escalation. There is simply too much adrenaline and cortisol driving behavior. John Gottman's research suggests that when your pulse rate reaches 100, you're not able to listen to your partner. My clinical experience indicates that a pulse rate over 80 begins a cascade of mutual hurt, where both partners feel justified in reacting to the other.
If you think your partner's acting like a jerk, ask yourself:
What is my partner reacting to?
Does my partner think I’m being a jerk?
Take a core value time out:
I’m sorry, I’m dysregulated, I need to get to my core value. Let’s try to talk again in 20 minutes.
Never say, "You're dysregulated, or you need to get to your core value"—you'll sound manipulative and will almost certainly get a negative response.
Instead of reacting, act according to your humane values and appeal to those of your partner.
“We want to be compassionate, kind, fair, and respectful.”
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Hurtful Exchanges in Love Relationships - Psychology Today
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