Practicing your partner’s language—and vice versa—can help you to grow closer as a couple, according to Dr. Chapman’s theory. “When we know how we experience love and also understand the ways that our partner experiences love, it helps us create a meaningful, healthy, authentic connection,” says Avigail Lev, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and certified mediator at Bay Area CBT Center in Oakland and San Francisco, California.
Through Dr. Chapman’s clinical work as a couples counselor, he noticed that partners often misunderstood each other’s needs, not because they weren’t trying to connect—rather, they had different ways of experiencing and receiving love. According to Dr. Lev, Dr. Chapman hypothesized that teaching couples to express their love in ways that resonated with each individual would lead to more harmonious relationships, she adds. Within her own practice, “learning each other’s love languages increases connection and feelings of closeness between partners,” she says.
People often reported not feeling loved, despite their partner’s attempts to express it, adds Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles. “[Dr.] Chapman found that patterns emerged in what his clients wanted from their partners, and he named these patterns the five love languages.”
Below are the five love languages according to Dr. Chapman, plus ideas for expressing them to your partner.
Words of Affirmation
This love language consists of encouraging, positive words and verbal or written acknowledgments of love and care, says Lurie. Think: Compliments and words of encouragement. They can be as simple as “I love you,” or more intricate; for example, “I love you and appreciate how much you care for the people in your life,” or “I am grateful for you.”
Acts of Service
If actions speak louder than words is your mantra, your love language may be acts of service, says Dr. Lev. For those with this love language, a helping hand makes them feel cared for, and doing something to lighten their load will go a long way. Try unloading the dishwasher, filling their gas tank, scheduling an appointment or offering to pick up dinner on the way home.
Receiving Gifts
It’s the thought that counts, not the price of the gift, says Lurie. People with this love language appreciate receiving a visual symbol of their partner’s affection—especially one that’s been carefully selected by the giver. Gifting your partner their favorite author’s new book or framing the receipt from your first date are both meaningful ideas for those with this love language, says Lurie.
Quality Time
With this love language, what you long for most is your partner’s undivided attention, says Dr. Lev. Someone whose love language is quality time feels most appreciated when others are present, attentive and mindful. That means making your partner feel like they’re a priority by turning the phone off, not engaging in distractions, making eye contact, sitting close and using active listening skills to engage with your partner, she explains.
Physical Touch
Do you feel comfortable and secure when you’re physically connected to your partner? If so, physical touch might be your primary love language, says Lurie. Members of this group read body language very closely and need the intimacy of touch to feel affirmed and bonded, she explains. Actions include making an active effort to cuddle, hold hands, kiss and hug regularly.
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The 5 Love Languages—And How To Use Them To Strengthen Your Relationship - Forbes
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