You might have noticed the term 'love bombing' popping up in your news feed lately – It's come up with Kanye West and his displays of affection for Julia Fox, and in a recent Australian Story episode with writer, Stephanie Wood.
Relationships are complex and the topic of 'love bombing' is too – so to help unpack it all, we spoke with Lata Satyen and Rowen Burckhardt about the term and how to tell if someone's genuinely interested in you.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is described as grand gestures or displays of affection, typically early on in a new relationship, says Dr Satyen, who teaches psychology at Deakin University.
It's a subjective term, so 'grand gestures' can take form in many ways.
For one person that might mean a night out at the movies or constantly receiving compliments, and for others it could mean a date at a five-star restaurant or receiving expensive gifts.
While it's been a hot topic of conversation right now, the idea of 'love bombing' has been around for centuries, says Dr Satyen.
"Historically, kings or suitors of potential partners would always have grand gestures of affection," she says.
Splurging on your date or showering someone with compliments doesn't seem like a crime — after all, it's nice to feel appreciated. But there's a dark history with this way of winning someone's attention that some experts say can lead to dangerous territory.
Love bombing wasn't a concept that originally started in intimate relationships — this concept was said to be coined by cult leaders of the Unification Church of the United States to recruit new members by constantly showering them with praise and affection, as a way of targeting and seducing people to join their cult.
Now it's used in the context of relationships to describe a person who showers their new partner with affection, gifts and compliments then stops when they get what they want or use it as a tactic to gain control over their relationship.
It can also happen in long-term relationships and that's why some psychologists say it can be a sign to the start of an unhealthy relationship.
"When the person who's showing this grand gesture wants something in return or their personality or behaviour changes, that's when it can be a sign of danger," Dr Satyen adds.
'Love bombing' or genuine interest?
Part of the process (and fun) of dating is getting to know someone new — which includes understanding the different ways people give and receive love.
That's why Dr Rowan Burckhardt says jumping to conclusions about 'love bombing' can be counterproductive — and he says it's not always a helpful lens to assess relationships.
"Love bombing views relationships as either being emotionally abusive or not," says Dr Burckhardt who is the director of a Sydney-based couples counselling centre.
"People end up shutting themselves out of relationships and end up becoming lonely because they're analysing every single possible bad behaviour."
Acknowledging the many people who have lost their lives to domestic violence in all its forms and victim-survivors who are still healing from their trauma today is one reason why Dr Burckhardt encourages closer examination of behaviour termed as 'love bombing'.
"What constitutes abusive behaviour becomes this category, that you can very quickly fill up that basket with lots of things," he says.
"What we [start to do] is, any behaviour, that's even the slightest bit bad, we're putting into that same category and that border starts to creep.
"We need to be able to differentiate and read what our judgement is of this person first.
"Where [are these grand gestures] coming from? And that only happens when we have the mental flexibility to be open-minded."
These grand gestures might have signalled the 'perfect partner' in your line-up of options initially but reflecting back on the situation will help find genuine partners in the future, Dr Burckhardt says.
"We're all imperfect and sometimes we allow ourselves to get seduced by over-the-top affection," he says.
"This person [might not] be abusive, and it's that we weren't able to see through it, and didn't appreciate other people who were quietly knocking on our door and mentioned they liked us."
A helpful approach to dating
If you have an inkling that something isn't right, or you're not sure what these grand gestures mean, here's a few ways to help you out — without jeopardising your new relationship.
Dr Sayten says it's important to take notice of how often these gestures are happening and if they're being discussed in private or always in front of others.
"It's about the way they're showing these grand gestures," she says.
"Is it regular intervals or is it really spaced apart? Are they only discussing it between you or constantly in front of others like there's a need to show off?"
If you've decided to end your relationship, Dr Burckhardt recommends reflecting on your experience — both negative and positive — and using those learnings to help you with finding your next partner.
"There's going to be a learning process in terms of clarifying and refining what is important to us," he says.
"We might make some mistakes, but rather than adopt this mentality of 'love bombing' we can use negative experiences to help clarify what we look for, what we want, and what we value [in a partner]."
It might also be helpful to write down some of these qualities, so when the whirlwind of emotions and hormones hit you, it'll help with making a decision.
Three questions Dr Burckhardt recommends thinking about:
- 1.Are they able to sustain their interest in me over time?
- 2.Are they a bit more consistent in their behaviours?
- 3.What are their character and ethical principles?
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