Carolyn Hax: How do you learn to love yourself when you feel you don’t deserve it? - The Washington Post

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Dear Carolyn: How do you learn to love — or even just accept — yourself when you feel like you don’t deserve that love?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Why don’t you?

And, who does, by your standards?

When I have felt at my lowest, I try to do Good Deeds. Concrete, literal, measurable actions to make something or someone else better. Even if you're really struggling with something you've done, some terrible regret, or some trait you don't like in yourself, it's hard to stay at bottom while someone is measurably better for your existence.

It’s not a permanent solution, it’s more of a jump-start — but once you feel a little better, then you can start to think more clearly about the (new) direction you want your life to take.

I hope this helps. I also hope you’ll get screened for depression, if you haven’t already. NAMI can get you started (www.nami.org).

For Anonymous: I was at a baby-naming several years ago where the rabbi said this baby is a person of infinite value, as we ALL are. It really struck me, because I have no problem recognizing that babies and children have infinite value, but I have a much harder time seeing that in myself. I have gotten in the habit of reminding myself of my own infinite value when I am depressed, and I have taken great comfort in remembering the infinite value of all people. Each of us is an entire universe contained in one person. You are deserving!

— A Person of Infinite Value

A Person of Infinite Value: Love this, thank you.

Carolyn: Thank you for taking my question. I do indeed have depression — also anxiety, and have mostly recovered from an eating disorder — so I recognize that plays a role in how I feel about myself. Treatment has definitely helped. But I haven’t shaken the belief that there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me unworthy. I like your answer about doing Good Deeds, but my anxiety especially holds me back from putting myself out there and doing those things, and then I just feel even worse about myself for not doing them. It feels like a vicious cycle. I honestly believe every human is worthy of love but I can always find some reason that doesn’t apply to me. And even though I recognize that that’s what I’m doing, I find it hard to stop doing it.

— Anonymous again

Anonymous again: Depression means your brain is lying to you about you. It’s how you can know you’re worthy but not believe it, or know what to do but not believe it will work.

And maybe this is too cynical, but it can help to look around you at some angry or entitled people and remind yourself, “Wow. Okay. I guess I’m not so bad.” (Don’t dwell on them, though, lest you get more depressed.)

Finally, consider looking for ways to be generous or useful that don’t involve your anxiety. For example, knitting blankets for nursing home residents or NICU babies is 100 percent an act of human kindness with 0 percent “putting myself out there.” That’s just one example, so dedicate some time to finding others if that’s not your thing.

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Carolyn Hax: How do you learn to love yourself when you feel you don’t deserve it? - The Washington Post
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