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Kody Brown is reflecting on the seemingly sudden demise of his polygamous family.
The Sister Wives star, 54, tells PEOPLE that his future is different from what he expected after taking “a major turn here, almost a U-turn” when three of his four marriages ended.
“I'm struggling to see what the future holds, maybe because I just haven't let go enough of the past,” he admits.
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The Brown family's unraveling began to gain momentum in November 2021, when Christine Brown announced she'd left Kody after nearly 26 years. A year after that, second wife Janelle Brown and first wife Meri Brown also confirmed within a period of two months that their relationships with Kody were over. (Fourth wife Robyn Brown has remained by Kody's side as the pair have transitioned, often uncomfortably, into a monogamous marriage.)
The TLC patriarch notes the sudden crumbling of his marital relationships left him with “a lot of heartbreak” because he had once “loved” the life he was building with his exes.
“In the end," he says, it "felt like everybody else was unhappy because I felt like I was lodging all the complaints, that it just made me cynical. I loved [our situation]. It just seemed like not everybody else did.”
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Kody continues, “I didn't want to be the guy that has this family that I struggle with until I'm dead. Then they all get along just great after I'm gone. I don't understand why we can't transcend this now. It broke my heart that we couldn't transcend our differences. It's part of life. I loved the life we have, and I hope I love the life that I'll get.”
He called the collapse of his family “a Shakespearean love story that's a tragedy,” adding, “It's just we loved and we lost.”
Despite the challenging times, Kody says that “the optimism must be coming back” to him.
“I remember this great life that we had and what an experience to be a team with these 22 people and just trying to survive the rapids of life and it was great,” he shares. “There's my optimism. It's back. I'm seeing my past again and saying, ‘It was lovely.’ It's changed now.”
He continues, “Maybe I'll find that optimism for the future. In the end, hopefully we just love each other and let each other move on.”
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Sister Wives airs Sundays at 10 p.m. ET on TLC.
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