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It was an action-packed week on The Golden Bachelor. The women left it all on the pickleball court during a competitive group date, Gerry and Leslie hit the road on ATVs during a romantic (and dusty) one-on-one date, and Kathy shocked Theresa by telling her to, and I quote, "zip it."
Let's recap!
Man, Jesse Palmer sure looks different this week.
I kid, I kid. That's long-reigning queen of Bachelor Nation herself, the first-ever Bachelorette Trista Sutter! The Golden women, some of whom clearly watched Trista's season 20 years ago, are thrilled. "That's that beautiful girl that got me into The Bachelor!" gushes Ellen. Ms. Sutter assures the women that she's "not here to steal your man," she just wants to give them a little advice ("I feel like you just have to be yourself") and drop off the group date card.
Before Trista leaves, Theresa — bless her clueless, clueless heart — leans over to tell the OG Bachelorette that she got the first date with Gerry. Remember how Kathy scolded Theresa multiple times last week for oversharing about her time with Gerry? Yeah, that advice didn't stick. "She just can't seem to find an off button," sighs Kathy. (Rose lovers, this is what's known as foreshadowing.)
For now, though, it's time to focus on the group date. Ellen, Sandra, Susan, Nancy, April, Theresa, Kathy, and Faith, please grab your sneakers, because it's time to play some…
Hell yeah, Ellen! Your day has come! Though some of the women don't know their Dink Shots from their Dillballs — Sandra's right! This sport does sound dirty! — they're all just excited to learn a game that Gerry loves. And they won't just be learning from the Golden Bachelor. Please welcome… your incoming Bachelor, Joey Graziadei!
The senior ladies are all aflutter. "Joey could be my son, and I'm here for Gerry, but, you know, you always have to have a plan B!" quips Kathy. You hear that, producers? Send Kathy to the mansion for The Bachelor season 28, you cowards!
The training montage set to Strauss' Blue Danube Waltz is sublime. April tries to return a volley and then bonks herself in the nose with the pickleball. Susan hits a ball wayyyy out of bounds and gets a "Good shot!" from Joey anyway, while Sandra declares she's having a great time even though she's only playing "at a C-minus level." Uh-oh — woman down! We have a woman down!
"I think I hurt my ankle!" moans April. As soon as the Golden Bachelor rushes over to check on her, April shoos the other women away and rests her head on his shoulder. "I wanted to do this so good for you," she whispers pitifully. "The good old mare, she ain't what she used to be." The other women watch with a tinge of jealousy; it's clear that April isn't seriously hurt. In fact, by her own admission, she is "totally fine."
Well done, ma'am! (Don't hate the player, hate the game, ladies.)
Once the warm-up period is over, Trista announces that the women will be playing in a doubles' tournament, and the winning team will appear in In Pickleball magazine alongside Gerry himself. "OH MY GOD!" shouts Ellen, who is almost certainly a subscriber. If she doesn't win this, she is going to be CRUSHED.
The team names are amazing. Susan and Theresa are "The Purple Picklettes"; Faith and April are "The Pinky Dinkies"; Kathy and Ellen are "The Picklelicious Paddles"; and Sandra and Nancy are "Bitchin' Kitchen." (One of these names is not like the others, but let's just go with it.) Round one goes to The Picklettes, but Bitchin' Kitchen takes the second game after Sandra all but dives into the audience to return a volley.
"I want to point out that Sandra is playing with two artificial knees," notes Jesse. "And she's also missing her daughter's wedding." Dang, that is commitment!
The final match, Ellen and Kathy versus Sandra and Nancy, is a real nail-biter. "It's quite exciting," says Gerry. "There's good, competitive volleys. Momentum goes back and forth." These senior ladies are truly in it to win it, and the announcers simply cannot believe what they're seeing.
Ultimately, though, the win goes to the Picklelicious Paddles — which makes sense. Ellen plays pickleball four times a week, after all. I feel like she would have been dethroned as her team's co-captain if she didn't take home the W here. Gerry gives both Ellen and Kathy a smooch, and then they pose for their prestigious magazine photo shoot.
At the afterparty, Gerry asks Sandra about missing her daughter's wedding. "This is something my daughter and I discussed early on," she explains. "She said, 'Mom, I've got my guy. I want you to go get yours.'" Why did I think I'd ever be able to make it through an episode of this show without crying? WHY?
Gerry is flattered, and he suggests they give Sandra's daughter a call. She LOVES it. "I think you're the best," she says. Then the two of them spend a hilariously long time trying to figure out how to make FaceTime work.
"I think you hit this phone thingie?" asks Sandra, pointing to the screen. "No, maybe that right there…" It is beyond adorable.
Back in the waiting area, Theresa asks Kathy if they could go somewhere to talk. She says all she wants to do is "make sure everything's okay," but once again, Theresa seems to have a very hard time comprehending Kathy's very simple and straightforward request.
"Please don't tell me anything about what's going on [with Gerry]," says Kathy, for what must be the fifth time at this point. "That makes me anxious. That doesn't work well for me." She reiterates how unwelcome it was last week when Theresa revealed that Gerry came to her bedroom.
Once again, Theresa insists that she wasn't trying to be "malicious," and that she was just trying to "share" — and once again, Kathy asks her not to share. For Kathy, this kind of sharing is unkind and hurtful — and that's what I think Theresa can't get past. She's so, so intent on convincing Kathy that she isn't trying to be hurtful, she's not comprehending that it was hurtful to Kathy anyway, regardless of her intent.
Even after Kathy tries to give Theresa a taste of her own oversharing medicine — "Gerry and I had a private date last night, and he's gonna send you home" — Theresa still does not get it. She insists she wouldn't mind if Kathy told her something like that, because she just wants Gerry "to be with the best person." It's very frustrating to watch, and I understand why Kathy finally snaps.
Meanwhile, Gerry is continuing his conversations with the other women, and pondering Trista's advice: "Stop looking for the woman that you can live with and start looking for the woman you just can't live without." He has nice chats with Nancy and Faith, and when it's time for Theresa's one-on-one talk, Gerry asks her how things are going since the dust-up last week. That's when things get a little weird.
"From day one, Kathy's always said to me, 'You're the one, you're the one, you're the one,'" Theresa tells Gerry. "And I thought that she was my friend." Hold up, rose lovers. What the hell is Theresa talking about here with this "You're the one" business? Yes, Kathy has said to her that she recognizes Theresa has a good connection with Gerry, and she's also said that she feels like Theresa is acting as if she's "the one."
Maybe something is getting lost in translation, but I'm not loving how she's characterizing this whole thing to the Golden Bachelor. Theresa goes on to say that she was just trying to be "really nice," and in return Kathy told her, "Just snip it! Just snip it!" (Close enough, LOL.) Rose lovers, Mr. Gerry Turner does NOT love it.
"I was really disappointed to hear that one of the women in the house would talk to another with that level of respect," he says.
Sigh. I was really hoping The Golden Bachelor would be a tattle-tale free zone. But people are people no matter their age, I suppose. Gerry pulls Kathy for a chat and asks her to tell him about the "interaction" she had with Theresa. Specifically, he's wondering if she uttered the words "zip it"? Kathy says she did and tries to explain that she was upset by the "Gerry came to my bedroom" reveal.
The Golden Bachelor isn't convinced. "But Kathy, I also came to you specifically and comforted you, even to the extent of giving you a special rose," he replies. "I'm beginning to see a rift here that I'm really not happy about." With that, he ends the conversation. Oh boy, Kathy. You should probably do a load of laundry and pack up your bags when you get back to the mansion — it does not look good for you.
Enough unpleasantness! It's time for Gerry to hand out the date rose.
The way (most of) the other women seem genuinely thrilled for Sandra when she got the rose… It just made my heart swell, rose lovers.
This week's one-on-one goes to the Sexy Dancer herself, Leslie. The SUV drops her off in the middle of the desert (rude), but she doesn't have to wait long before a handsome man on a (mechanical) steed arrives.
I'm sorry, what? Producers are having the Golden Bachelor and his date ride ATVs? After they almost killed him with a faulty convertible in week 2??? Not cool, folks. Not. Cool. Was I gripping the edge of my couch the entire 90 seconds we were forced to watch Gerry and Leslie ride bumpy, rocky roads on their ATVs? Yes. Yes, I was.
We interrupt this recap for an important news bulletin: Nancy, Kathy, Susan, Sandra, April, and Faith are playing Never Have I Ever (with ice cream) at the mansion!
The reveals are INCREDIBLE. April has kissed another woman's husband. Sandra has had sex in the workplace. ("My husband and I did it everywhere!" says Sandra, who takes a bite of ice cream even though she's lactose intolerant.) Everyone — except for Kathy — has had sex in the back of a car. "Who hasn't done that?" scoffs Faith. April takes it a step further: "Front seat, back seat, on the steering wheel."
And just when I thought it couldn't get any more amazing, April throws this one out to the group: "Never have I ever… been with a woman sexually." Survey says:
Get it, you sexy grandma! These women are my heroes.
Back to the one-on-one. Leslie and Gerry are now a safe distance away from the ATVs and enjoying some quiet time on a bench in the shade. "I really want a true partnership, which is something I don't feel like I've ever had," says Leslie, who admits that she doesn't have the best "picker."
Though she's been divorced twice, Leslie says she's been single for the last 22 years(!). "If this whole thing had happened and it wasn't you, I would have left," she tells Gerry. "I'm here because of you." And the Golden Bachelor LOVES it. They share a smooch and then…
Holy cow, it's our first ever Random Outdoor Hot Tub™ of The Golden Bachelor season! Also… what is the deal with the lion tattoo on Gerry's right shoulder? I have so many questions.
"This date with you on those ATVs was incredible," says Gerry. "No matter what, I will never forget it." Naturally, Leslie gets the date rose.
Rose ceremony day rolls around, and two of the women are hurting. Sandra is in bed with an upset stomach (darn that ice cream!), while Nancy is nursing a stress fracture on her left leg from pickleball. Everyone's doing their best to remain upbeat for the final cocktail party of the week — including Gerry, who just came to the sobering realization that he is halfway through is "journey." Every minute counts, sir!
Susan has never had a one-on-one date with date with Gerry, so she's thrilled when he kicks off the party by pulling her aside and giving her a pretty piece of rose quartz. "Things are attributed to that type of stone," he explains. "First off, empathy. Secondly, strength. It's those two qualities that I think you have that remind me so much of Toni. That is the highest compliment I can pay someone." Susan is moved to tears.
Me too, Susan. Me too. "Every time I talk to Gerry, that spark reignites," she gushes.
Ellen's feeling pretty swoony, too, and she's ready to tell Gerry exactly what's going on in her heart. They sit down on one of the outdoor couches and Ellen lays it all bare. "I can't even remember the last time I felt this way — giggling, laughing, kissing," she says. "I feel the need and the want to take a leap of faith and tell you… I'm falling in love with you, Gerry, and it's really hard."
He cuts her off with a kiss.
"I feel it," he says. "I feel your emotion, and I'm in the same place." When I tell you my heart melted…
In his confessional, Gerry can't hold back his tears. Ellen's confession "makes me think back to the last time that someone looked at me like that and said those things to me," he says, choking up. "When I lost Toni, and I thought the world ended, I never thought I would see it again. And yet I am."
Someday, I'll get through an episode of this show without crying. Today is not that day, rose lovers. The Golden Bachelor goes from that romantic moment with Ellen to this cut-to-the-chase moment with Nancy:
Gotta love a woman who gets to the point! "I think you've in a way narrowed it down," she says. "But maybe I'm not in that group." As gently as he can, Gerry tells Nancy that she's not wrong. They share a tearful hug, and then Nancy says goodbye to her bachelorette besties.
Awww, man. Welp, it's time. Rose ceremony roll call!
Ellen, Faith, Susan, and Theresa join Sandra and Leslie in the Circle of Safety™. While it's no surprise that we're saying goodbye to Kathy, I'm definitely bummed to see April go. The woman is a total hoot. And even though she didn't get a rose from Gerry, April is really happy she took this "journey" with him.
"It's been a great adventure. No regrets," she says. "I'm so ready for love, and I know it's not over for me." She absolutely needs to go to Paradise next summer — she would destroy those 20-something men.
Gerry walks Kathy out to the Reject SUV and they wish each other all the best. "Rejection's not fun," says Kathy. "I mean, I might burn the house down before I leave…"
She's kidding. I hope.
Holy cow, rose lovers. One more episode, and then we're at hometown dates. Time flies when you're watching lovable seniors look for love! And from the looks of the preview, we're going to be seeing a lot of this over the next few weeks:
UGH, I truly hate watching this man cry. Anyhow, rose lovers, how are you feeling now that we're at the halfway point of Gerry's "journey"? Do you think Ellen is the frontrunner, or could Leslie take the lead? And is it just me, or does pickleball look pretty fun? Let me know your thoughts on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin.
The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.
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