The deep-seated beliefs we hold about love and relationships influence us more than we think. They dictate the kind of people we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with, how we steer our way around conflict and even the criteria an experience must fulfill for it to be considered “true love.”
These lay theories shape our perceptions of, and expectations for, love — so it’s no surprise that unrealistic beliefs about what an ideal relationship should look like can have harmful effects on one’s relationship satisfaction.
A study published in The Family Journal confirmed this by examining three potentially problematic or dysfunctional beliefs:
- The belief that disagreements are bad for a relationship
- The belief that partners in a healthy relationship should be able to read each other’s minds
- The belief that relationships that last are always predestined
While the study found that an aversion to disagreement had a greater impact on relationship satisfaction than the expectation of mind-reading and destiny beliefs — exploring how these beliefs might be affecting your relationship could be extremely valuable to you and your partner.
Here’s how you can revise these mistaken beliefs to create and nurture a healthier and more fulfilling bond.
1. Aversion To Disagreement? Embrace Healthy Conflict
One harmful belief people sometimes hold in relationships is the notion that disagreements mean that there is something inherently “wrong” with their connection, leading to a fear of disagreements and an unnatural suppression of conflict.
However, the truth is that healthy disagreements can actually enhance a relationship.
Differing opinions and viewpoints offer chances for personal growth and mutually acceptable compromise. Failing to resolve conflicts in a healthy way can result in underlying issues festering and negatively impacting the relationship over time.
Therefore, it's important to accept that disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. Instead of avoiding conflict, prioritize effective communication and active listening. Keep in mind that it's not just about having disagreements or winning arguments, it's about gaining a better understanding of each other and finding common ground.
This is supported by a study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which suggests that feeling understood during conflict can help protect relationship satisfaction by showing emotional investment from one's partner.
2. Mind Reading Expectations? Communicate Openly
Beliefs about mind reading can harm relationships by setting the unrealistic expectation that our partners should intuitively understand our thoughts and emotions without us needing to express them explicitly. This can lead to frustration and disappointment when these expectations are not met, hindering authentic communication and causing misunderstandings.
A study published in Communication Research Reports found that when people had “mind reading expectations,” they often reacted negatively when their partners didn't pick up on their emotional signals, resulting in arguments or silent treatment.
Therefore, to avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts, prioritize open communication by directly expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs, and encourage your partner to do the same. Don't assume your partner knows what's on your mind. Instead, ask questions and actively listen. This approach not only promotes understanding but also strengthens emotional intimacy.
3. Belief In Destiny? Cultivate Shared Goals
Some individuals hold the belief that relationships are formed due to destiny, and that the only relationships that last are those have have been “preordained.” While there's nothing wrong with believing in fate, relying solely on this belief can lead to complacency and can limit personal accountability and effort in maintaining a healthy partnership.
For instance, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people's beliefs regarding destiny influence how they view and handle ghosting, which is the practice of ending a relationship by suddenly cutting off communication. Participants who believed relationships were predestined tended to have more favorable feelings regarding ghosting. They were also more likely to have used ghosting themselves. In contrast, those who believed relationships could evolve over time were less accepting of ghosting and less inclined to use it as a way to end a relationship.
These findings imply that people who think of destiny as a key determinant of a relationship’s fate are less likely to take responsibility for their actions in a relationship.
One way to prevent these implicit beliefs from hindering the growth of your relationship is to shift your focus from destiny to shared goals. A successful relationship, predestined or not, takes effort and mutual commitment from both partners. Therefore, setting goals together, whether they're related to personal growth, travel or shared experiences, can shift the burden of relationship success and satisfaction onto you and your partner.
Conclusion
Understanding and challenging your beliefs about what makes a relationship healthy can lead to positive relationship dynamics. Remember, while beliefs may set the tone for interactions in a relationship, the fate of your bond and shared life lies in the hands of both partners. Even slight tweaks to one’s relationship beliefs can affect major change when it comes to the way one approaches and manages their love life.
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September 08, 2023 at 01:01AM
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3 ‘Poisoned Thoughts’ That Can Ruin Your Love Life — And How To Fix Them - Forbes
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