The butterflies of a budding relationship can easily rob anyone of the ability to think straight. And with your head so high up in the clouds, how can you spot the differences between love vs. lust? Turns out, that's a pretty tricky question when you're deep in your feelings.
But it's important to know which is which to avoid disappointment in the future. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, then you'd probably want to steer clear of anything rooted in lust, since those flings tend to be temporary. But if you're set on living your best single life, then you probably want to recognize signs that things are taking a turn for the serious.
Distinguishing between the two isn't easy, since both lust and love come with ~intense~ feelings. But there is one key difference, says Steve Sultanoff, PhD, clinical psychologist and professor at Pepperdine University: "Love is an emotion or experience of feeling connected or bonded with another person. This connection includes emotional closeness, or intimacy." And that's not just sex, but all kinds of intimacy, like having a vulnerable conversation or opening up to your partner about your future goals. Lust, on the other hand, doesn't come with that sort of attachment.
Ahead, an expert breaks down love, lust, and how to spot the differences between the two.
What is lust?
Lust is a feeling that's driven mostly by physical desire. It can feel very passionate, but Sultanoff says outside of attraction, a relationship fueled by lust has very little substance. People in them are often looking to satisfy their own needs. "Lust is mostly accompanied by a thinking pattern highlighted by demands of self," explains Sultanoff. "It can often be accompanied with thoughts like 'I must be with you,' 'I need you' 'You must desire me, I am incomplete without you,' or 'You must not reject me.'
Though statements like these aren't usually true, someone in lust can adopt this pattern of anxious thinking. In love, however, you desire the other person, but you don't need to be around them 24/7. "When you feel love, you want to be bonded with your partner and spend time with them, but you are also able to embrace not being with them," explains Sultanoff.
Lust is rooted in the physical and in the moment. When you're in lust, you're not necessarily thinking about the future. So aside from sex, you're not engaging in things partners in a loving relationship might, like deep conversations or meeting each other's loved ones.
What is love?
Though love can be hard to put into words, it is the emotional experience of feeling connected or bonded with another person. But what makes it different from lust is that you do not feel as if you need to be with this person. "You are able to truly maintain yourself separate from them," says Sultanoff. Unlike lust, love isn't possessive, he explains. When you love someone, you're also considerate of your partner's interests and needs, while lust is more about focusing on your own desires.
When you love someone, you're able to accept that your partner has the right to be an individual, says Sultanoff. You don't tend to be jealous of your partner's work relationships, family, and friendships, something that is more common in relationships fueled by lust, explains Sultanoff. Taking rescheduling a dinner date, for example. When you're in love, you may be more understanding when your partner has to postpone because things picked up at work. If you're in lust, something like this may upset you since it isn't catering to your wants.
Love can also exist in the absence of arousal, adds Sultanoff. While there may be an obvious physical attraction to your partner, that love still isn't solely fueled by seduction. People in love are attracted to the their partners on an emotional level.
How can you tell the difference?
There are several ways to determine whether where it's love and not lust. Here are some signs:
1. You crave the person physically and emotionally.
When you're in lust, the desire you have for your partner is mostly physiological, says Sultanoff. There isn't much depth to that desire. In contrast, the physical attraction in a loving relationship will have more emotion behind it. Think about it this way: In a lustful relationship, sex might be what makes you feel close to your partner. But in a loving one, the closeness is heightened because, afterward, the two of you can fall asleep in each other's arms.
2. You want to know their VIPs.
There's a reason why meeting the parents is such a big deal. It can be symbolic of the next step, so when you look forward to this moment with your partner, it means you're looking at your relationship as something long-term. "Meeting the important others in your partner’s life is much more common in love relationships," says Sultanoff. If what you feel is lust, then you'll see others in your partner's life as relatively unimportant.
3. You aren't afraid of being vulnerable.
Getting vulnerable means you and your partner have established a level of trust. And opening up to each other is more common in relationships fueled by love. People in lustful couplings aren't usually having these kinds of conversations because they fear the relationship will get "too deep" and they're just not interested in that. Or, they may be worried about scaring their partner off. "People who are in lust fear vulnerable conversations because they worry they may threaten the relationship and cause it to end," says Sultanoff.
4. You don't give the things you don't like about your partner a pass.
When you're in lust, you let things slide. But in a loving relationship, you may be more apt to call stuff out. That's because you've built trust and are in it for the long haul. In a relationship fueled by lust, you're more likely to ignore things because you don't want to risk losing the relationship, or because you know it's only temporary. Here's one example: Your partner is constantly interrupting you and you hate it, but you don't say anything about it. "In lust you let this slide, but it lingers in your 'background,'" says Sultanoff. In a loving relationship, you may be more moved to say something because you're interested in preserving your relationship and making sure you and your partner are on the same page.
5. You are willing to compromise.
You may put some of the things you want on the back burner in order to prioritize your partner's needs. "But you do not sacrifice yourself for the relationship," adds Sultanoff. Say your partner wants to move to a new city for a job, but it's something you never really had in your plans. In a loving relationship, you may be willing to take this chance because you're looking at your partnership through a long-term lens. Someone in lust probably wouldn't even consider a move.
6. You include your partner in important events.
When your relationship is a loving one, you make sure your partner is there for milestone events such as weddings, because you anticipate a future together. And attending these events together can create a stronger connection. "As your partner shares significant good and bad times, you begin to rely on them for support," says Sultanoff. "The sharing of life’s events enhances and deepens the bond between you." When you're in lust, neither partner has a connection to the others' world outside of the relationship.
7. You know your partner isn't perfect.
In relationships where lust dominates, you may see your significant other through rose-colored glasses. When you're moving towards a loving relationship, you're better able to pick up on your partner's quirks—and deal with them accordingly. "You accept your partner’s idiosyncrasies as part of who they are," says Sultanoff. When you're in lust, you may overlook things or not even notice them at all.
8. You challenge each other.
Arguing is a healthy part of any relationship. But when you're in lust, you're more likely to avoid it. "You want to keep things as stable as possible so as not to lose your partner," says Sultanoff. But when you're in love, you're okay with challenging your partner because you crave a solution to whatever issue you're facing. By addressing and resolving problems, you'll end up with a stronger bond, says Sultanoff. Wanting to actively tackle your issues is yet another sign you're in it for the long haul.
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