The love of your life. Mr or Mrs Right. The One. Many of us dream of a “happily ever after” we see in the movies. But after the final credits roll, what happens then? Jay Shetty, a former Hindu monk turned bestselling author, believes he has the answer with his new book, “8 Rules of Love: How To Find It, Keep It and Let It Go.”
After meeting a monk at 18, Shetty devoted three years to spirituality. It’s this clear-eyed wisdom he now brings to his more than 29 million social-media followers.
His book is different, he argues, because it doesn’t teach you to find the perfect person and then leave you to get on with it. “We can’t expect to get love right when we’ve never been educated on how to give or receive it.”
Instead, Shetty shows you how to nurture relationships so they grow stronger over time. “We can’t know where and when we’ll find love, but we can prepare for it and practice what we’ve learned when we find it,” he notes.
Whether you’re single, in a relationship or breaking up, Shetty says it’s all about following these rules:
Rule 1: Let yourself be alone
“No one wants to be lonely,” says Shetty, but our fear of loneliness can make us rush into — or remain in — bad relationships. The first step is to get comfortable with being on your own so you get to know yourself better and what you want from a relationship. Solitude also helps us understand our own imperfections. “This prepares us to love someone else, in all their beauty and imperfection.”
Rule 2: Don’t ignore your karma
People think karma means that if you do something bad, something bad will happen to you, but it actually relates to how past events, good or bad, steer your future. Be more aware of them, Shetty advises, “I want us to learn from our past to make decisions.”
Rule 3: Define love before you think it, feel it, or say it
Many people make the leap without doing their homework, says Shetty. “In any other area of your life, it’s very unlikely that you make a big decision based on such a small amount of information.” Surveys have found men are quicker to say “I love you” than women, taking an average of 88 days. (Women take 134 days). Cement deeper connections by sticking to a ‘three date rule’: on each date, find out if you like their personality, respect their values, and if you would like to help them achieve their goals.
Rule 4: Your partner is your guru
Your partner should be someone you want to learn with and learn from — your “guru,” as Shetty calls it. Learn to give and take. “The most common complaints I hear people make about their partners are, in essence, that they don’t do what they want them to do (“She doesn’t do her share of the household chores,” “He’s rude to my parents . . .)” But that’s not a relationship, that’s ownership, he says.
Rule 5: Purpose comes first
People think that putting their partner first is a sign of love — “We romanticize the idea”—but making sacrifices only leads to resentment. Everyone, he says, needs to have a purpose in life — or dharma, as it is called in scripture — be it a life calling, passion or hobby. The strongest couples support each other in their pursuits.
Rule 6: Win or lose together
With two people prioritizing their own needs, conflict can occur. And that’s OK, says Shetty, it’s healthy to have fights. According to counselors, most couples argue over money, sex, and how to raise children, plus everyday things — what to have for dinner, whose turn it is to hang out the washing, etc. Prioritize fixing the bigger issues, and instead of shouting and getting mad, approach them as subjectively, taking the emotion out of the situation.
Rule 7: You don’t break in a breakup
If you’re the only one trying to fix problems, pull the plug, don’t soldier on. “Stagnation is never good — we should always be growing,” observes Shetty. And don’t try to stay friends or hide from your heartbreak — face it full on.
Rule 8: Love again and again
Finally, life doesn’t have to be just one love story between you and another person — the more you love others, the more you will be loved back. “You can seek love your whole life and never find it,” Shetty sagely concludes, “or you can give love your whole life and experience joy.” Now that’s a happily ever after we can all aspire to.
“8 Rules of Love: How To Find It, Keep It and Let It Go” by Jay Shetty, Simon & Schuster
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