Are you obstructing your own search for love?

There’s a common mistake that’s easy to fix, says Simran Mangharam. When visualising an ideal partner, list what you want, not what you abhor.

By Simran Mangharam

UPDATED ON JUL 23, 2021 03:33 PM IST

At some point in our lives, most of us have fantasised about love; what kind of romance we will have, who it will be with, what kind of life you will lead together. I am a great believer in the power of visualisation. Visualising your ideal relationship can help clarify it in your own head. And clarity about what you want makes any search so much easier.

The key though, is to articulate those wants. When it comes to romantic relationships, I notice that people find it easier to identify and articulate what they don’t want. It’s why I’ve made “What kind of partner am I looking for” a mandatory exercise for clients who I coach on getting relationship-ready.

Even on these lists, it’s usually the same pattern at first. About 80% of the items will describe what the person doesn’t want. Which is, at least, a place to start. Because when you see them down on paper, some of those asks appear quite irrational, even to the person making the list.

“I don’t want to be with someone who is a single child. They are not used to sharing and hence are very selfish”. This from a man who hated getting hand-me-downs from his elder brother as a child. Or “I don’t want to be with someone who has a sister; sisters-in-law are always causing trouble” from a young woman who has a brother herself. Then there is the classic “I don’t want to be with someone whose mother is alive; I can’t deal with mother-in-law issues”. Think about what you’re wishing for!

“I will never consider being in a relationship with someone I met at work” say people who spend most of their waking hours in the office. “I will never marry someone I met on a dating app,” says someone who is using these apps. “I am done with dating lawyers; my ex was a lawyer and he could argue his way out of any situation”… I could go on.

As we go through these lists together, it becomes apparent how some people are getting in their own way when seeking love. So here’s a tip. It’s never a good sign when the barriers outnumber the obstacle-free wishes and wants.

Good things to put on a list instead of an “I will never”: “I want my partner to accept me for who I am”; “Our value system should be aligned”; “I want to be with a generous human being”; “I want my partner to be as ambitious about their personal life as they are about their career”; “I want my partner to respect both sets of parents and be able to have boundaries in those relationships.”

To work towards having more wishes and ideally no obstacles on the list, I use what I call the “Positive Flip and Bust Method”. We bust the irrational asks (those in the single child / siblings / at work / dating apps genre) by getting to the root of the want or fear behind it. Typically the reasons fall into two categories: past experience and hearsay. Once we have agreed to take an obstacle off the list, we discuss how to flip it. We identify the wish behind the fear (“I want to feel seen”; “I want be with someone who can argue fairly and with love”) and list that instead.

You can do it too. Make your list, read it a few times. Use the Positive Flip and Bust to keep it obstacle-free. Can you visualise your life with your kind of person? Know that he or she exists. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)