In today’s culture it is not always easy to understand your child or teen’s behavior.
The number one problem teens are facing today is communicating with their parents on an emotional level. Parental love and bonding is especially important for your child.
Many of their love banks are empty. Teens are filling their banks with drugs and alcohol.
In order for your child or teen to understand you, and for you to understand them, you must know their love language. The five teen and children’s languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service.
The love languages are written about in the bestselling book by Gary Chapman and have assisted parents, teachers and counselors to understand and relate to teens on a better playing field.
We were born to bond with one significant person. According to the attachment bond theory, the mother-child bond is the primary force in infant development. It is responsible for shaping all of our future relationships. It establishes the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication.
When a parent is unavailable and self-absorbed, this may cause a child to tune out and turn off. Perhaps this is why the No. 1 love language, physical touch, is so important.
All children need to feel touched. Physical touch, hugs, embraces and kisses say, “I love you.”
If your child’s need is physical touch he/she needs touch more than others. Children need physical contact through childhood and adolescence.
If your child or teens primary love language is physical touch:
- Develop a unique handshake or greeting.
- Stroke your child’s hair or rub their back when they are upset.
- Make sure you hug them a lot.
No. 2, Words of Affirmation: All parents talk to their babies, however, it is the sound of love and acceptance that babies understand most.
Combined with physical closeness words of affirmation take on a special meaning.
My Mother used to comb my hair and when she was finished, she would tell me how pretty I was. She often gave me praise, encouraged me and prayed for me. Her words molded me into the mother and grandmother I am today.
If your child or teens primary love language is Words of Affirmation:
- Encourage your child to follow his/her dreams.
- Call or text your child/teen just to say I Love You.
- Affirm them when they do good things.
No. 3, Quality time: The most important factor in quality time is not the event itself but that you are doing something together.
Quality time is focused attention and most children are starving for it. When I speak of the Five Love Languages to teens, very often they identify quality time as their number one love language.
If your child’s or teen’s love language is Quality Time:
- Make homemade pizza together
- Schedule a specific date time with your child. Do something you both enjoy.
- Make an afternoon count. Do something fun. Play a board game or put together a puzzle.
No. 4, Gifts: A true gift is an expression of love and should be given with special thought. A gift should not be given as payment for cleaning a room or as a bribe.
Do not substitute gift giving for another love language. Remember they see their gift as an extension of you and your love for them.
If your child or teen’s love language is Gifts:
- Give fun stickers to reward your child’s accomplishments.
- Make a special meal or special dessert for your child.
- Give a gift of self by driving them to a friend’s house.
No. 5, Acts of Service: It is important after a certain age to teach our children how to serve themselves as well as others.
It takes more time to teach a child how to set the table or cook than it does for you to do it. When a child or teen asks for help with their homework and you help them, they are learning serving is loving.
If your child or teen’s love language is Acts of Service:
- Teach your child the importance of serving others.
- Help your child study for a test.
- Ask them to volunteer at a hospital or animal shelter
Identifying your teens love language will give you an insight to your teen’s feelings and what their needs are. For more information check out The Five Love Languages of Teens by Gary Chapman.
— Sandi Y. Squicquero M.Ed,.LPC, is a licensed professional counselor who works out of the Medical Hypnosis and Counseling Center at 1180 Main St., Suite 5B in Windsor. She has more than 30 years experience as a counselor and is board certified in medical hypnosis.
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